St Andrew's Cathedral (Catholic): Shopping For God goes on the road!

STEEP

Today (Sunday April 24^th, 2011), I visited St Andrew’s Cathedral in Victoria, BC.

Outstanding features of Catholicism include a concern for upholding old-timey Christian traditions (baptism, confirmation, the holy eucharist, penance, last rites, the central government of the church and the hatred of sex).

As an aside, I’m starting to get bored with the repetition in Christian ceremonies, so, after today’s mass, I promised myself that I would not attend any Christian ceremonies for at least a month.

Length of Ceremony: 1.5 hours


Theme: Easter Sunday/THE RESURRECTION OF CHRIST, SON


Entertainment Factor/Ceremony:

                                                        
          First off let me mention

                  WAIT FOR IT.....

                                  WAIT.....

               WHAT THE FUCK?

  

  IS THAT NATIVE MAN GIVING THAT WHITE CATHOLIC PRIEST A BLOWEY?

................Sorry, but this distracted me (with sick feelings) for the duration of mass. 

   

There was some real wasted talent in the choir of St Andrews Cathedral this morning. Their voices were absolutely beautiful.  The ceremony was an equal mix of song and speech, although, the most notable feature of this morning’s mass was the sing-speaking of the priest.

  

  On several occasions, the priest would break into fast singing and get the crowd involved with some pretty decent call and response. I don’t know whether or not this is the norm in Catholic churches, but it definitely woke me out of my stupor. The prayers (from what I learned from my neighbor during the ceremony) were originally sung in Latin. In English, the priest sounded like a member of Bone Thugs In Harmony. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpBP9dALcWw 

  
  
OBV the priest launched into a story about Jesus rising from the dead on this day and read some quotes from the bible. As is my experience of Catholic ceremonies (my only other being my grandma’s funeral), there was a lot of talk about what is wrong with the world today.

  
Coincidentally, the theme of the “What is Wrong With the Earth Today?” portion of the ceremony was the commodification of religion. The priest noted a trend in which, people “select and de-select” religions without having true faith. Apparently, I am not alone. He called for a re-evangelization of the world and return to true faith.

  
I performed the Eucharist (dry bread, no wine) and as I haven’t been done it before, I desperately tried to observe those ahead of me in line. I think I ended up blessing the priest and crossing myself backwards...So nervous!

Promise of Heaven/Salvation: Yayur.

Space: cathedral (waiting for a book on church architecture that I ordered on Amazon)

Free Food: No REAL food. 

Equity Policy: Naw


Community Involvement: Missions?


$$$$$(cost): Donation plate was passed around. The woman collecting looked horrified when I didnt give :(            Seriously...

Participants (looks, conversation, etc.): Degens to Y-Gens. Mostly grey hairs. 

Blind Faith Factor (BFF/WOW factor) :

              1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
1=“Naw, no thanks” and 10=“All in”

1- No thanks.

The Kingdom Hall (Jehovah's Witness)

Today (Sunday April 17th, 2011),  Sean and I visited the Jehovah's Witness service at 7725 Cambie Street in Vancouver.

Jehovah's Witnesses believe in God/Jehovah/Yaweh and base their beliefs on a literal interpretation of the New World Translation of the Holy Scripture, the Hebrew bible and Christian Greek scriptures.  

Preamble: Seany and I were so fucking nervous going into this God Shop that we got loaded and double rode his scooter there... only to arrive 45 minutes early and have drunken awkward moments with the congregation's most eager attendees.

Length of Ceremony: 1.5 hours

Theme: Memorial of Jesus' death

Entertainment Factor/Ceremony: The service was lead by a man wearing frameless glasses and a tailored 3-piece suit. He had flat affect and little to no charisma. 

Just our luck, we attended a service dedicated to commemorating the death of Jesus Christ (the eve of his death is on April 17th, according to Hebrew lunar calendar). 

There was talk of Armageddon approaching and instruction on how to live a perfect life to attain a spot on perfect earth post-Armageddon. Apparently, God sacrificed his son (a perfect man) so that we could atone for our sins...Sounds reasonable.

The Witnesses are a group of perpetual page turners. Every 2 minutes, the 'brother' leading the ceremony would refer to a passage in the bible and the entire congregation flipped to the appropriate page to read along. The purr of pages turning affirmed the devout literacy of this funky bunch.

The singing was really uninspired...It seemed as though this group was more into really brainy-shit like reading and researching the life and times of Jesus rather than dancing and singing his praises....

No rhythm-having drones

Promise of Heaven/Salvation: Slim to anorexic. 144,000 people will be allowed into the kingdom of heaven, most of whom are already there (a "small flock"). Statistics were calculated for the group and 1 person from Vancouver will get in....Maybe. Everyone secretly hoping? Unfortunately, the rest will have to devote themselves to "perfect living" to obtain a place on "perfect earth" (post-Armageddon earth).

Space: We didn't notice because we were so terrified. Windowless-utilitarian-modern?

Free Food: FUCK NO. They passed around the blood and body of Christ (wine and stale looking naan bread) that we could not consume...Tempted. When the wine came around Sean whispered, "Don't do it," and I spit-laughed into the glass.

Equity Policy: Male lead, require homosexuals behaviors and feelings to be suppressed. WAH-wah.


Community Involvement: Knock-knock. 

                                             Who's there? 

                                             JEHOVAH!!!!!!!!

In order to secure a place in the kingdom of heaven or perfect earth, you need to spread the word of God. 

$$$$$(cost): Passive donation...Big boxes at the entrance. For us, $ NOT REQUIRED.


Participants (looks, conversation, etc.): Very friendly...too friendly. We were greeted at the door and the stream of smiling "earthly slaves" (the Witness' term, not mine) was unending. We were friended by 2 women packing bibles to share. 

Overall, the congregation was racially diverse and dressed to the nines. It looked like UBC'S Sauder School of Business on final presentation day (but with cheap suits, perms and fake blond hair).

Ummm...For whatever reason, I really opened up to these people (menstrual???). I may have given one of them my real phone number. 

Blind Faith Factor (BFF/WOW factor):

              1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
1=“Naw, no thanks” and 10=“All in”

Sean's rating
1... maybe a 2?
"I was mortified"-Sean hiccuping

Mshuxtable's rating
9
^I could really get into this...if I had ablative brain surgery

International Society for Krishna Consciousness (hare krishna)

Today (Sunday April 10th, 2011),  I visited the ISKON Vancouver at 5462 Marine Drive Burnaby for the 5:30-9pm sunday program.

hare hare krishna krishna rama lama ding dong 

ISKON is an offshoot of Hinduism based upon the Bhagavad Gita (a 5000 year old Hindu scripture that outlines a practical, self-contained guide to life).  Outstanding features of this religion include a belief that Krishna is all powerful/present/beautiful/etc., and 4 regulative principles. These principles are: no eating of meat, fish or eggs, no illicit sex, no gambling, no intoxication (including alcohol, caffeine, tobacco and other recreational drugs). Not a good sign.
Rating system still in the works…

Length of Ceremony: 3.5 terrifying hours

Theme: Rama's life and love

Entertainment Factor/Ceremony:
I was in attendance at the 8th night of a ten-day long celebration of the life and times of Rama (an incarnation of Krishna).

Attendees take their shoes off upon entering the temple, women on one side and men on the other. I was instructed to ring a bell at the entrance to let Krishna know I was in the building. I chose not to throw myself down in front of various alters around the temple, but watched as dozens of others did (chicken shit).

The program began with the blessing of an alter to Krishna (a shape shifting god that is EVERYTHING). This was followed by drumming, dancing and singing that consisted of Sanskrit lyrics i couldn't understand and repetitions of the Maha mantra (Hare Krishna Hare Krishna/Krishna Krishna Hare Hare/Hare Rama Hare Rama/Rama Rama Hare Hare).

During this time, I got water poured over my head, bathed my hands in fire and received a string of carnations.

The drumming, dancing and singing ceased and we all sat on square gym mats for a class on the life of Rama. Our teacher was a short East Indian man who read out of a floral patterned cloth covered book into a headset microphone.

From what I gathered, Rama was an archer dedicated to "perfect living." This means, he was dedicated to brotherly love and having only one wife...among other things. Unfortunately for him and his vow to remain loyal to his wife, he was the most handsome prince in the world and all the women that encountered him had "crushes" on him (teacher's word, not mine). So, he took another form (Krishna) and married over 16000 women and had thousands of "playmates" (again, not my words). Apparently, Krishna is a shape shifting man whore.

At this point, the teacher's headset ran out of batteries. During the confusion, someone farted and it reverberated loudly on their gym mat. Then, the most hilarious mic check ensued.

"Hare. Hare Krishna. Hare? Krishna?"

Mic back up and running, I zoned out for the remaining hour.

Promise of Heaven/Salvation: Yep


Space: A farm, restaurant, compound for permanent residents/"life members" and a 30 year-old  pastel pink temple with pointy bits. The inside was beautiful with a blue sky mural painted on high ceilings and colorful alters all around. Unfortunately, it smelled of urine.

Free Food: Yes, a vegetarian "feast." I thought it was sort of bland and it gave my friend Sean the runs within 15 minutes of eating it. On the upside, the ingredients were all grown and harvested on site.

Equity Policy: I am unsure if the regulating principle of no "illicit sex" bars butt sex. In that case, homos run for the hills.  Man-woman segregation was observed. Men go first for blessings etc....Whatevs. We all Krishna right?


Community Involvement: They liberally give food to others.

$$$$$(cost): They passed around a donation plate. $ NOT REQUIRED.


Participants (looks, conversation, etc.): My friend Sean and I were each targeted separately as "Newbees." An alternative looking male approached Sean and began to introduce him to "important" people. I was approached by a bleached blond, ex-junky-type who didn't blink much and spoke really passionately with a dead look in her eyes. I hoped the smell of my armpits (forgot to wear deodorant) would deter her from speaking to me as i raised my arms up in expressive conversation. NO DICE. I managed to shake her during the feast.


Blind Faith Factor (BFF/WOW factor):
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
1=“Naw, no thanks” and 10=“All in”

Sean's rating
8
"I could really get into this"-Sean clapping with pupils dialated

Mshuxtable's rating
2
^On account of the bland food and urine smell. Also, I started to think that all the white people that belonged were completely cray cray. Sort of like it was a supplement to AA or NA.

Epilogue
We wandered down the road after leaving temple and both almost stepped in human feces outside of the compound where life members live. Within 5 minutes we came across the Marine Pub....I had a sudden urge to annihilate  myself with beer and Seany desperately had to use the bathroom. We went in and watched a pretty solid middle-aged jam band. Pitchers were on special and the toothless white trash was dancing up a storm. It felt good to shake off this god shopping experience. As a fuck you I ordered chicken wings.

1st baptist

I know that I know nothing, but I also know religious people make me uncomfortable. Recently, I was called a religiphobe and that didn’t feel good. Yada, yada, yada…I decided with a friend to participate in a multitude of religious ceremonies every weekend until I find God or get sick of doing it.

Today (Sunday April 3, 2011),  I visited the 1st Baptist Church at Burrard and Nelson in Vancouver for the 11am mass.

1st baptist holding it down

  
Outstanding features of this christian denomination include: Local church autonomy (each varies), belief in the immaculate conception of Christ, miracles and the second coming. In order to convey my experiences of god shopping, I have created distinct categories for assessment. I am also working on a rating system…

Length of Ceremony: 2 MOTHERFUCKING hours

Theme: Redemption

Entertainment Factor/Ceremony:
  songs, music, songs. All songs were presented karaoke-style on a big screen. There was a full band that played upbeat religious hymns with a modern twist. The band included a bass, guitar, drums, keyboard, bongos, and a violin. During the songs, a lot of people had these spontaneous spiritual moments in which they would bow their heads and raise one or both hands in the air. There was a lot of standing for songs at the beginning and I wasn’t really feeling it. An elderly man in front of me was teetering and on the verge of collapse by the third song and I didn’t know whether I was supposed to clap at the end of each.

  Apparently, the regular pastor was out of town but had prerecorded an inspirational message from grand central station about the mission work he was doing in New York City. The video quality was shit and it played kind of choppy, but as the multimedia aspect of the service was totally unexpected…fine by me.

  The pre-teen prayer group was introduced and it was announced that their leader would be leaving on a mission to Liberia in the next month. The stand-in pastor asked for the congregation to pray for him. The preteens obeyed by bowing and touching their leader and the whole church prayed for him.
Apparently, the church does a lot of work in Liberia. A slide show from their last mission was then presented and some missionaries spoke about their experiences there. ***This was pretty educational as I had no idea about Liberia’s history (started as a colony for freed American slaves in 1822)

  This continued for approximately 45 minutes until a loud crash was heard and the entire balcony section gasped with horror. A woman had collapsed and the people around her rushed to her aid. Someone cried out for a doctor and a few people got on their cellphones to call an ambulance. At this point, the pastor asked the church to pray for this woman as she lay unconscious. A nurse who had previously spoke about her mission in Liberia, stood over her and lifted her legs so all we could see from down below were 2 black pumps raised in the air. The pastor encouraged us to remain calm so the sermon could continue. Which it did, although it was really distracting. Eventually, paramedics came and took her away.

  After a bunch more singing and sermoning, the service was over. We were invited to have refreshments in the back meeting area. FREE COFFEE AND COOKIES!

Promise of Heaven/Salvation: OBV


Space: The church was built in 1910 and had high ceilings and pointy bits…Gothic revival?? I need a book on church architecture.


Free Food: We feasted on the blood and body of Christ (grape juice and bread) and of course the coffee and cookies. Also, we were told that once a month they do a $4 dinner banquet. NOT FREE


Equity Policy: There was mention of “marginalized” people and women’s rights, but I’m pretty sure they hate gays. I was too afraid to ask.


Community Involvement: It seems like loads of mission work gets done by these people. Prayed for global community (Japan, Ivory Coast, etc.). I’m creeped out by the idea that these people impose Christianity on godless non-Christians…I’m thinking witch burning and residential school style conversion. Not letting my imagination get ahead of me, they seem to  do helpful work. Med supplies are med supplies…

$$$$$(cost): They passed around a plate and envelopes for donations and i passed it right to the guy beside me. $ NOT REQUIRED. Their YTD earnings from donations (givings as they were referred) is $412,646


Participants (looks, conversation, etc.): I was greeted with handshakes, smiles and “good morning’s” all around. It was a pretty diverse looking crowd that varied in age, race, scruffiness, talking-to-themselves-and-rocking-back-and-forthiness. There were a couple of visible homosexuals leading the ceremony. One was the butchie violin player that I made sex eyes at the whole time. No dice.


Blind Faith Factor (BFF/WOW factor):
T= 2
I’m thinking of doing a 1-10 rating scale for this one….1 being “Naw, no thanks” and 10 being “All in”
Considering the insanity of today’s events I’d come back….for the cookies