Today (Sunday April 17th, 2011), Sean and I visited the Jehovah's Witness service at 7725 Cambie Street in Vancouver.
Jehovah's Witnesses believe in God/Jehovah/Yaweh and base their beliefs on a literal interpretation of the New World Translation of the Holy Scripture, the Hebrew bible and Christian Greek scriptures.
Preamble: Seany and I were so fucking nervous going into this God Shop that we got loaded and double rode his scooter there... only to arrive 45 minutes early and have drunken awkward moments with the congregation's most eager attendees.
Length of Ceremony: 1.5 hours
Theme: Memorial of Jesus' death
Entertainment Factor/Ceremony: The service was lead by a man wearing frameless glasses and a tailored 3-piece suit. He had flat affect and little to no charisma.
Theme: Memorial of Jesus' death
Entertainment Factor/Ceremony: The service was lead by a man wearing frameless glasses and a tailored 3-piece suit. He had flat affect and little to no charisma.
Just our luck, we attended a service dedicated to commemorating the death of Jesus Christ (the eve of his death is on April 17th, according to Hebrew lunar calendar).
There was talk of Armageddon approaching and instruction on how to live a perfect life to attain a spot on perfect earth post-Armageddon. Apparently, God sacrificed his son (a perfect man) so that we could atone for our sins...Sounds reasonable.
The Witnesses are a group of perpetual page turners. Every 2 minutes, the 'brother' leading the ceremony would refer to a passage in the bible and the entire congregation flipped to the appropriate page to read along. The purr of pages turning affirmed the devout literacy of this funky bunch.
The singing was really uninspired...It seemed as though this group was more into really brainy-shit like reading and researching the life and times of Jesus rather than dancing and singing his praises....
No rhythm-having drones
Promise of Heaven/Salvation: Slim to anorexic. 144,000 people will be allowed into the kingdom of heaven, most of whom are already there (a "small flock"). Statistics were calculated for the group and 1 person from Vancouver will get in....Maybe. Everyone secretly hoping? Unfortunately, the rest will have to devote themselves to "perfect living" to obtain a place on "perfect earth" (post-Armageddon earth).
Space: We didn't notice because we were so terrified. Windowless-utilitarian-modern?
Free Food: FUCK NO. They passed around the blood and body of Christ (wine and stale looking naan bread) that we could not consume...Tempted. When the wine came around Sean whispered, "Don't do it," and I spit-laughed into the glass.
Equity Policy: Male lead, require homosexuals behaviors and feelings to be suppressed. WAH-wah.
Community Involvement: Knock-knock.
Who's there?
JEHOVAH!!!!!!!!
In order to secure a place in the kingdom of heaven or perfect earth, you need to spread the word of God.
$$$$$(cost): Passive donation...Big boxes at the entrance. For us, $ NOT REQUIRED.
Participants (looks, conversation, etc.): Very friendly...too friendly. We were greeted at the door and the stream of smiling "earthly slaves" (the Witness' term, not mine) was unending. We were friended by 2 women packing bibles to share.
Overall, the congregation was racially diverse and dressed to the nines. It looked like UBC'S Sauder School of Business on final presentation day (but with cheap suits, perms and fake blond hair).
Ummm...For whatever reason, I really opened up to these people (menstrual???). I may have given one of them my real phone number.
Blind Faith Factor (BFF/WOW factor):
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
1=“Naw, no thanks” and 10=“All in”
Sean's rating
1... maybe a 2?
"I was mortified"-Sean hiccuping
Mshuxtable's rating
9
^I could really get into this...if I had ablative brain surgery
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