hare hare krishna krishna rama lama ding dong
ISKON is an offshoot of Hinduism based upon the Bhagavad Gita (a 5000 year old Hindu scripture that outlines a practical, self-contained guide to life). Outstanding features of this religion include a belief that Krishna is all powerful/present/beautiful/etc., and 4 regulative principles. These principles are: no eating of meat, fish or eggs, no illicit sex, no gambling, no intoxication (including alcohol, caffeine, tobacco and other recreational drugs). Not a good sign.
Rating system still in the works…
Length of Ceremony: 3.5 terrifying hours
Theme: Rama's life and love
Entertainment Factor/Ceremony:
I was in attendance at the 8th night of a ten-day long celebration of the life and times of Rama (an incarnation of Krishna).
Attendees take their shoes off upon entering the temple, women on one side and men on the other. I was instructed to ring a bell at the entrance to let Krishna know I was in the building. I chose not to throw myself down in front of various alters around the temple, but watched as dozens of others did (chicken shit).
The program began with the blessing of an alter to Krishna (a shape shifting god that is EVERYTHING). This was followed by drumming, dancing and singing that consisted of Sanskrit lyrics i couldn't understand and repetitions of the Maha mantra (Hare Krishna Hare Krishna/Krishna Krishna Hare Hare/Hare Rama Hare Rama/Rama Rama Hare Hare).
During this time, I got water poured over my head, bathed my hands in fire and received a string of carnations.
The drumming, dancing and singing ceased and we all sat on square gym mats for a class on the life of Rama. Our teacher was a short East Indian man who read out of a floral patterned cloth covered book into a headset microphone.
From what I gathered, Rama was an archer dedicated to "perfect living." This means, he was dedicated to brotherly love and having only one wife...among other things. Unfortunately for him and his vow to remain loyal to his wife, he was the most handsome prince in the world and all the women that encountered him had "crushes" on him (teacher's word, not mine). So, he took another form (Krishna) and married over 16000 women and had thousands of "playmates" (again, not my words). Apparently, Krishna is a shape shifting man whore.
At this point, the teacher's headset ran out of batteries. During the confusion, someone farted and it reverberated loudly on their gym mat. Then, the most hilarious mic check ensued.
"Hare. Hare Krishna. Hare? Krishna?"
Mic back up and running, I zoned out for the remaining hour.
Promise of Heaven/Salvation: Yep
Space: A farm, restaurant, compound for permanent residents/"life members" and a 30 year-old pastel pink temple with pointy bits. The inside was beautiful with a blue sky mural painted on high ceilings and colorful alters all around. Unfortunately, it smelled of urine.
Free Food: Yes, a vegetarian "feast." I thought it was sort of bland and it gave my friend Sean the runs within 15 minutes of eating it. On the upside, the ingredients were all grown and harvested on site.
Equity Policy: I am unsure if the regulating principle of no "illicit sex" bars butt sex. In that case, homos run for the hills. Man-woman segregation was observed. Men go first for blessings etc....Whatevs. We all Krishna right?
Community Involvement: They liberally give food to others.
$$$$$(cost): They passed around a donation plate. $ NOT REQUIRED.
Participants (looks, conversation, etc.): My friend Sean and I were each targeted separately as "Newbees." An alternative looking male approached Sean and began to introduce him to "important" people. I was approached by a bleached blond, ex-junky-type who didn't blink much and spoke really passionately with a dead look in her eyes. I hoped the smell of my armpits (forgot to wear deodorant) would deter her from speaking to me as i raised my arms up in expressive conversation. NO DICE. I managed to shake her during the feast.
Blind Faith Factor (BFF/WOW factor):
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
1=“Naw, no thanks” and 10=“All in”
Sean's rating
8
"I could really get into this"-Sean clapping with pupils dialated
Mshuxtable's rating
2
^On account of the bland food and urine smell. Also, I started to think that all the white people that belonged were completely cray cray. Sort of like it was a supplement to AA or NA.
Epilogue
We wandered down the road after leaving temple and both almost stepped in human feces outside of the compound where life members live. Within 5 minutes we came across the Marine Pub....I had a sudden urge to annihilate myself with beer and Seany desperately had to use the bathroom. We went in and watched a pretty solid middle-aged jam band. Pitchers were on special and the toothless white trash was dancing up a storm. It felt good to shake off this god shopping experience. As a fuck you I ordered chicken wings.
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